How I Am Learning To Not Settle In Shitty Relationships.
I am learning the hard way. There you go, I said it!
For the past few years I’ve been on the most interesting journey of my life. Most of these years involved me getting heartbroken and being on an emotional rollercoaster!
Figuring things out takes a long long time. Whoever promises you quick results, please don’t believe them!
From as far as I remember, I’ve been chasing love.
Little did I know that after 5 years of hard work, dating people, losing friendships and getting disappointed I would come to the realisation that all I’ve been trying to do was to find someone to ‘fix’, ‘love’ and even ‘control’!
This was a long long journey but what I realised after my most recent ‘situationship’ is that so far I’ve been trying to convince people to accept my love and offer to help them figure out their shiz, to the point where I was neglecting myself and my needs!!!
There’s still a lot to explore and ‘unpack’ because there are circumstances from my past as well as how I was brought up that ‘conditioned’ me to be this way, but this is what I’m finally realising as I embark on this journey of healing and feeling free and at ease with my life:
I’ve been focusing on ‘broken’ people by loving them too much and helping them get somewhere. This is why it was so hard for me to detach from them once it was over. I felt like I was ‘failing’ and not doing a good job taking care of them. Even though they were the wring kind of people.
That the fact that I recently said: “I don’t know, I might not want children either” was…a lie. I DO want children in the future, I just wanted to put someone else’s desire before mine. Typical!
By controlling people, I set high expectations for myself and others. If I don’t meet those expectations, disappointment is then inevitable.
I was chasing ‘the challenge’. Who can I find that is broken enough for me to fix? Emotionally unavailable people were an attractive idea, whereas ‘boring’ people weren’t because I won’t need to ‘work’ on them.
I was prioritising other peoples needs and wishes and ignoring mine. Maybe because I was brought up to put my needs after everyone else’s. There’s still more to discover on this one.
I was trying to find the answers in something else, like a trip or a new career, or a new location. However all these helped me get to where I am right now!
Since making that realisation, my life looks a little more like this:
I’m trying to become by priority. Sometimes you have to put your mask on first, before helping others.
I’m trying to recognise the people I’m used to attracting. Broken, emotionally unavailable, the ones that have no clue what they want. You name it! And then I just… run away. Just kidding, I am just trying not to get involved.
I’m more at ease with lonelinesses and the single life.
I now know that the right person will come into my life at the right time. I need to focus on my needs right now.
I know that whatever I am looking for, is looking for me as well.
I’m more present doing things I love instead of wishing I was with someone else or doing something else.
I’m taking steps towards getting help from a professional that can help me stay on track and discover more.
